Posted in children, cry, Elisabeth, Emotional, Family, fear, flower, God, grandchild, health, love, mother, Physical, Prayer, Rachel, Spiritual, strength, thankful, trust, Women in My Life

Dear Mom

Mom, I miss you. I needed you this week. I needed your listening ear. I got scared, too scared to trust for little while. I let the world bother me to the point I was doubting who I was. I am still your daughter. Even if you are not here with me, reminders like the female cardinal bird at the feeder last evening that seemed to peer through the window pane at me. This is my first Mother’s Day in my 60 years without you, Mom. If you were here you would be telling me “God gave you the strength and brains to get through this tough patch in life.” You’d also say, “count your blessings, be thankful.” You were always so strong. Well, maybe not always, but most times. Tougher than me for sure. I remember tears from your eyes just a few times. But mostly you plugged through things, complained when you had enough of Dad or one or all of us kids. Social injustices fired you up. No angel, a tough cookie that was very independent in most aspects, and gave that same tough love to me and those around you.

I sought God this week. He answered my cry, and sent other people in my path to pray for me. Mother Mary, other heavenly saints, and probably you and Dad, too prayed for me. My cries turned to gratitude. I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my whole family, Dean’s, too. I am thankful for my jobs, and my retirement around the corner. I am thankful for the physicians caring for me and our girls, Rachel and Elisabeth. I am thankful there are medicines to keep our health. Rachel found a new doctor, a better one. She made it to California with her family, and are on the way back now. Praying for the traveling angels to guide them along the way. Those grandbabies got to put their toes in the ocean for the first time while in Malibu! I am thankful for where God has me right now. He has much more for me to do but also to rest and relax more. “Flex your gratitude muscle to fight off fear,” author Ann Voskamp encourages me. And it works. Stronger to fight off doubts and let God’s love win. Happy Mother’s Day in heaven! We left flowers for you!

Posted in Ann Voskamp, anxious, authors, body, comfort, compassion, cross, cry, Emotional, fear, God, health, heart, Holy Spirit, insecurity, Jesus, love, mind, pain, passion, people, Physical, Prayer, restore, sad, scripture, secure, spirit, Spiritual, trust, woman, worry

Inside My Aching Heart

An ear infection lead me to the urgent care before we left for vacation. My blood pressure was alarmingly high. The urgent care sent a report to my primary care, and she messaged me while on our 2-week vacation to take my blood pressure the next few days, and send her the readings. Still high and some chest discomfort soon after our multi-state road trip, I was in the doctor’s office when I got back to reality. Referred to a cardiologist and more testing, we discovered I have an arrthymtic heart condition. I have premature ventricular contractions (PVCs) that cause echo beats. This Friday I meet with my doctor to discuss what I need to do to take care of my physical heart besides take a beta blocker and lose weight. Questions flood my brain … How did I acquire this condition? When will I feel myself again? Can I return to speed walking as that helps in my weight loss efforts? How long has this arrhythmia been going on? I know I have not felt myself in a long while. I am tired much of the time. Not sleeping well most nights. I have become anxious with my relationships and social settings. I thought that was because of the COVID social distancing for too many days. This learnt introvert does not trust people easily. Trauma does powerful things to one’s mind, body, and soul. I cannot take anxiety meds, as they upset my digestive system so bad, and that causes more anxiety as I worry if I will find a bathroom in time when I go out. I am an insecure woman right now who doesn’t feel or even know if I am loved by those I have been close to over the years. I feel out of rhythm and vulnerable. The ironic thing is my physical heart is going through the same, out of sync and aching. Which came first, my aching physical heart, my stifled emotional heart, or my parched spiritual heart?

I suppose it doesn’t matter which was first. God wants to restore all three. Where do I start? My foundations, the Word of God and prayer. I recall Holy Scriptures that says I am “fearfully and wonderfully made”. In 1 Samuel 16:7 it says “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” King David’s prayer wells inside me into a song … “Create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit in me. Cast me not away from thy presence, take not thy Holy Spirit from me, and restore onto me the joy of thy salvation, and renew a right spirit in me.” Psalm 51: 10 -12. I cannot hide from this truth nor the truth inside myself. The truth is I feel unsteady, insecure and timid right now in life. I do not know how long I will feel this way. With God’s help I will come out of this. I need to get my spiritual heart right first.

Author Ann Voskamp so eloquently writes . . .These days feel like a flood of heartache . . . And there’s not one moment God doesn’t feel that with us. “His heart was filled with pain” (Genesis 6:6). God has a heart . . . and it hurts. It hurts with what hurts us. His heart hurts not just with a few drops of ache, not just with a slow drip of sadness—the whole expanse of His heart fills, swells, weighs dark with this storm of pain. God, who hung the stars—He has taken a thread of His heart and tied it to yours. And He didn’t need to, but God tied His heart to yours — so when you feel pain, He fills with pain. Time only continues on in this impossibly suffering world because God Himself is willing to keep suffering the impossible with us. We read the headlines and wonder, lay in our own beds way too late at night & soundlessly cry: If there’s a God who really cares, He’d look at this world and His heart would break. And God looks to the Cross, and says, “My heart did. ”On that Cross, they speared His side and pierced straight into His heart, filled with pain, and it was the water and blood of His broken heart that gushed right out, a flood of love. Grace—it, too, has floods of its own. . . . The way heaven comes down so we can rise. In a world of grief beyond magnitude, what will change us and the world, is the attitude of Beatitudes. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” In a world that doesn’t feel fair — His cruciform love and outstretched arms embrace us — so what we feel is Him. No one knows more than Jesus that this world isn’t fair — and no one loves us to death like Jesus, until everything is fair for forever. In a world of loss — the deeply suffering are deeply touched by the suffering of Christ. We do not weep alone. No matter what happens in this busted-up world in the days ahead, in your own beautiful world: Pray. He listens & He holds. “When you call on Me, when you come & pray to Me, I’ll listen…I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady” Jeremiah 29:12, Isaiah 41:10MSG #TheBrokenWay#WeepingTogether

The physical and emotional heart healings will come . . .

Posted in answer, book, care, comfort, fear, feelings, give, glory, God, heart, hospitality, Jesus, king, light, love, Prayer, quote, Rejoice, scripture, silence, sorrow, worry

The Silence First

I prepare myself this Advent season, Christ’s coming. I quiet my soul this morning. Reading in my daily inspirational book which I neglected a couple of days this past week, “All of man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone,” written by 17th- century philosopher Blaise Pascal. I don’t want to be miserable. Do you? “Silence is God’s first language,” the 16th-century mystic John of the Cross wrote.

“Adventus” is the Latin word that the more modern word “advent” comes from, which means “arrival”. When someone arrives at your house or the office, you usually straighten things up and prepare some details like a meal or documents for your guest to partake or take with them. So we try to be accommodating, showing hospitality to our guests. The Latin meaning for hospitality is “host”. Most essentially, it refers to the relationship between the host and guest.

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.” ~ Revelation 3:20 

What can I, the host give Jesus, my guest this Advent season? My heart. Jesus just simply wants my heart. And yours. He wants to take residence in my heart and yours. Jesus wants a relationship with you. Open your heart to Jesus, our Messiah, the Lamb of God, the King of Glory. Welcome Him. Silence first. Pray to Him, tell Him your heart. Your sins, worries, fears, tears, sorrows, praises, joys, and dreams. “Leave all your worries with Him, because He cares for you.” ~ 1 Peter 5:7. He is listening, He cares, He comforts, and He answers with His love. “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore, I have continued to extend faithful love to you.” ~ Jeremiah 31:3

Posted in care, faith, fear, God, Holy Spirit, hope, Jesus, love, peace, scripture, strength, sufficient, trust

I Need You

I need You, my God, my Father, my Jesus, my Guiding Spirit. Hear my heart, oh God! Without You, I drift into downward spiral thoughts. Then anxiety and fear sets in. I lack trust, faith, hope, and love when I live outside of You. Philippians 4:13 tells me “I can do all things which He has called me to do through Him who strengthens and empowers me to fulfill His purpose – I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency; I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses me with inner strength and confident peace.” ~Amplified Bible. The key is “self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency”. And Jesus Christ is sufficient. He fulfilled all that our Father required. He gave all. Jesus gave His life for you and me. “Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” ~ 1 Peter 5:7. Outside of Jesus, you and I have nothing. Period. I turn to Jesus. Turn to Jesus.

Posted in answer, believe, blessings, challenges, day, farmer, fear, give, God, night, scripture

Do You Know?

Do you wonder where God is in all the fear and destruction that one virus has brought to this world, and why?  I cannot answer the question “why”.  But I can look around and count God’s blessings in every moment of my day and night.  God is among us.  The rocky wall is covered with moss overflowing.  This green velvet foliage is not bound by a rock’s edge.  This reminds me of our Father who gives in overflowing measure.  The egg carton is filled with farm fresh eggs, and more to come.  My empty egg cartons supply an urban chicken farmer with much needed containers, who supplies me and a few more families with a dozen fresh farm eggs this spring morning.  Give, and you shall receive.  The sky is on fire flaming its gold and amber into pink and purple haze.  This can only be God’s handiwork, His masterpiece. Commune with Him.  This is an opportunity worth taking. Believe me. “Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know Him, and He will respond to us as surely as the coming of dawn or the rain of early spring.”  ~ Hosea 6:3.

Posted in community, contagious, Emotional, Family, fear, feelings, friends, granddaughter, Hannah, health, insecurity, life, meditation, neighbor, plumposity sister, Prayer, sad, share, understand, world, worry

Life Is Still Good

My husband and I chose to sleep in this Sunday.  The world and local news and the encouragement for social distancing kept us at home.  Our spring-like weather turned to winter-like this weekend. We watched the gold finches fuss amongst each other for a perch to feed at the feeder.  The purple and house finches do the same on the other feeder.  Such the nature of animals, and people alike.  The world’s concern (and ours, too), this corona virus has been much to think about and digest.  Some planning has taken place in our communities, proactive rather than reactive.  And there are those who are in a reactive frenzy to protect self, not thinking of the others around them.  The empty shelves at the stores are the evidence with the hoarding of toilet paper and sanitizer.  Remember while protecting yourself, think of your neighbor, too.  Those especially who are elderly and the many who have comprised immune systems due to chronic health conditions.  I have several family members in those categories.

We took my oldest granddaughter to the bus station for her first big trip by herself to Florida.  This is a trip that has been planned for months.  Hannah decided as a legal adult to still take this trip.  Instead of fear and worry, I have prayed for her safe travels and health.  My three classmates, the plumposity sisters (PS) and I have postponed our girls’ weekend here at the cottage.   Sad, but totally understanding of their feelings.  I busied myself with cap decorating to match our tie-dye shirts for the newly scheduled June weekend.  I gathered more journal ideas for future projects.  Love the birds.  They teach us so much.  Sing their birdie songs despite their circumstances.  Most importantly I spent some quiet time in meditation and prayer.  Such a vulnerable state we all are in. Yet this is a season that will pass as all seasons do.  Life is still good.  Keep smiling, and choose wisely.

Posted in fear, flower, friend, God, grace, heart, hurt, people, Prayer, scripture, silence, solitude, thankful, unkind, woman, Women in My Life

Fearless Women

Looking back, how I have changed with each year that passed.   Not just with the added wrinkles, grays, pounds, aches, and pains in the natural aging process, but in each encounter with my God, His people,  and creation.  Our loving God uses every situation and person in our lives to shape us.  At times I have been in solitude, absent of friendships due to illness, death, and the unkindness of others.   There have been good and not so good people throughout my life.  Even in the most difficult and dark times, God was present.  He gave and continues to give me guidance on how to live life more Christ-like despite others.  I trust Him.  There is no secret from Him.  God knows the secrets of my heart and the sins of my life.  I draw on the grace of Jesus Christ with my imperfections as I pour out my heart to Him.  To all women, I encourage you to do the same.  And join a women’s group.  Not just any group but one where you are accepted as a prized rose, and encouraged to grow.  “Other seed fell on good soil.  It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown,” the Bible tells us.  Have open discussions, share holy scriptures and prayers, encourage fearlessness in fearful circumstances, and genuine friendships are planted in the garden.  Avoid weedy worthless gossip, emotional games, and comparisons.  No pretensions, be fully yourself.  This season I have been surrounded by fearless women, and seeds are being planted in good soil.  I am thankful.

 

 

Posted in authentic, darkness, day, fear, flower, God, hurt, sad, world, worry

Bloom Over Gloom

Plant Your Own Garden

Sad, hurt, fear, worry.  Sometimes the world seems to surround you with gloom and doom that you can barely breathe.   Take in a bloom or two on your walk today.  Pleasing fragrance.  Eye candy.  Snip one to add to the bud vase on your windowsill.  You don’t have your own flower garden?  Buy a potted daisy or mum for the kitchen.  Subtle power over the stench and ugliness of this world, even on a rainy, dark day where one bad thing after another happens.  Present day.  Be authentic.  No airs.  No plots.  Be true.  To yourself.  Be you, the person God made you before the world taints. “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~ Emerson.  Bloom today.

Posted in battle, Blog, cancer, daughter, day, Elisabeth, Emotional, Enemy, faith, Family, fear, fight, Financial, God, mother, Physical, Prayer, Spiritual, thankful, victory, Warrior, write

Wonder Woman, A Village, And Miracles

 

A few months ago I began this blog dedicated to the warrior woman God has called each of us to be. This necessity to write about this topic came after my daughter, Elisabeth was diagnosed with two forms of breast cancer, stage 1.  Within each of us is a fighter, some more pronounced than others.  So I am not speaking of a roughneck girl looking for a fight.  (Though I believe either one of my daughters, daughters-in-law and their mothers could hold their own if confronted in a physical battle.)  With this blog I am speaking about the spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional fight we as woman encounter on a daily basis.  And for some that fight is minute by minute of every day.  My Elisabeth had such the fight the past 5 months.  She told her story on her social media page, not whining and complaining, but injecting faith and the power God gives to fight against fear and the Enemy.  The Enemy, cancer lost!  After 5 months of chemotherapy and a bi-lateral mastectomy Elisabeth received the pathology report announcing “CANCER-FREE!” The victory is hers!

In my eyes, and many others’ eyes, Elisabeth is Wonder Woman.  She endured chemo treatments every 3 weeks, the nausea and zapped energy level that followed for days.  Hair and breasts loss.  The mind and emotions battled the lies of the Enemy, refused defeat every step of the way.  It takes a village to raise a child.  And my daughter had a village praying for her, literally hundreds of family, friends, and church groups surrounded her with love and support, and beseeched Our God.  And the countless miracles that followed … her husband’s unwavering support … God’s grace extended from her employer, to work when able… strained relationships focused on one thing, Elisabeth’s healing rather than their differences … a clinic of dedicated medical staff … most expenses covered through the healthcare reform mandate … non-insurance covered special bandages left in the mail box during recovery … gift baskets delivered … and most of all the village’s thousands of prayers said on her behalf.

How thankful I am that my Elisabeth has been healed, and continues in the grace of God!  From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for loving my girl!  To God be the glory!

Posted in faith, fear, forgiveness, grace, hope, insecurity, Jesus, love, Prayer, quote, resources, Spiritual, strength, trust, Women in My Life

Invest In Yourself

Invest In Yourself

Time, energy, money, and prayer spent on yourself is not a waste.  We women spend so much of our resources and reserves on others. “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete,” quoting Jack Kornfield. Our granite strength can crack underneath if we neglect yourselves.  With our Rock foundation, our lives are built with love, accented with care, and yet at times splats of doubt, insecurity, and fear appear on our walls.

We each are a treasure to behold and admire. “Now in a large house there are not only gold and silver vessels, but also vessels of wood and of earthenware”, 2 Timothy 2:20.  The vessel holds nourishing water until a leak forms.  “Not that I have already obtained, or am already made perfect: but I press on, if so be that I may lay hold on that for which also I was laid hold on by Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12.  Seal that leak with your Maker’s salve of mercy, forgiveness, grace, trust, hope, faith, and love.  And your cup will overflow again …


Cup Overflows